Making Choices - Making Me

There are people in this world who think I’m a good man; a man of God even. There are others who think I’m evil incarnate. Both sides have reasons for their evaluations of me and both sides are wrong to a certain extent. I know who I am, the struggles I face and the desires I have to do good and to help others. However, I have done some pretty stupid, evil things in my life. I have broken the trust of those who put all their trust in me. I have broken the hearts of those who loved me most. I have broken the promises that I’ve made to those I love most. Those who see me as evil have some good arguments.

When I look back at decisions I have made in life, which have changed the course of my life, I see a pattern. Every time I made a decision to go in to ministry, to pastor a church, lead a camp, speak at a conference, go on a mission trip, become a full-time missionary, etc., I did so with much prayer, bible study and seeking of God’s will and direction. I never entered any of those opportunities without a real sense of pursuing God and an honest desire to serve others and lead others to Christ. Whether everyone believes that or not, it’s the truth.

On the opposite end of that story; I never once failed in ministry Because I was seeking God’s will and praying for His direction. Every moral failure, every disgraceful end, every broken promise, came because I began to make decisions based on my feelings and selfish desires. Please understand that I’m not speaking of mistakes or things that simply didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped. I am talking about failures where I made ungodly decisions to do things that I knew to be wrong but I did them anyway and it led to the loss of what I had claimed to be most important. Every single time it started with the neglecting of prayer and bible study. For me, when I’m struggling with temptation or sin I find it hard to read the Word or Pray because I feel guilty and don’t want to look my Daddy in the face. When I stop talking to Daddy then I’m not getting his good advice and I make decisions based on what His enemy says is OK, because His enemy makes me believe I’m accepted and I’m OK no matter what choice I choose. But the enemy of my Daddy lies, a lot. I’ve bought into his lies way too many times.

Now, at 44 years of age, I face a new problem of my own making. Yes, it is my fault because I chose the things I chose and choices define where we go in life. The problem? I hear voices in my head. Every time I think, God’s up to something, I hear, “but you’ll fail again, you have a track record of doing great things and then falling down in a big way, taking others with you.” The point of this article is not self pity or to get others to tell me, “God’s not through with you yet.” or “God can still use you.” I understand the power of God, but I also understand the power of choices and how God allows us to make those choices and face the consequences. I know I’m forgiven and accepted by God as well as by those who love me. I also know that the opportunities I once had to impact lives can never been fully seen again because time has moved on. I’m not getting down on myself, as some tend to believe, I’m simply evaluating my life and what is next. Somehow I have to move past the past and let God do what God does. But of this one thing I am sure; If I choose on my own, without serious prayer and bible study or without the clear direction of God, regardless of who thinks I should or should not do something, I’m guaranteed to fail again. Right now, I'm seeking Him, the rest He will reveal.