Often she is told to “Suck it up” or “Get over it” or “Just be strong” when inside she feels like she has been strong for a really long time and no one noticed. To those who have never experienced it on a deep or long-term level, it appears as weakness or a negative attitude. The truth is she wants to be happy, she wants to be positive, she wants to see the bright side and find the rainbow in the storm and there are days she is able to do just that. However, there are days, most days to be honest, when all she can see is failure, sadness and how badly things are going in her life.
A smile and “I’m fine” is much easier than the truth that most people don’t even want to hear. If she says what she’s thinking, and sometimes she does, she is met with strange looks, simple clichés or the eye rolls which say, “Oh no, here we go again. What a downer!” She doesn’t want to be a downer. She knows all of the clichés. She simply doesn’t know how to escape the thoughts and fears in her head. So she tells little white lies, on most days, to keep from being seen as negative; to keep from hearing again, “everything will be ok.” She goes to the bathroom alone so that no one will see the tears in her eyes; the tears she can’t explain, she can’t justify, she can’t rationalize… the tears she can’t stop.
People who don’t deal with it think it’s easy to overcome. It’s just mind over matter so she is obviously not trying hard enough, right? Actually, she tells herself that all the time. She convinces herself that it’s a matter of choice, it’s a negative attitude, she just need to make the choice to be better and move forward to the great life that awaits. With a little time, it creeps back in; the doubts, the fear, the subtle reminders of how she doesn’t match up with expectations or the success of others.
She knows that just because she battles depression doesn’t make her any different than others. She wants the same things as others,
but she struggles with thoughts of unworthiness and failure. She doesn’t intend to upset you or bring you down, she simply wants to understand and to be able to share her feelings as a means of getting it out. Someone once said, “Depression is like fighting a war. Either you win or you die trying.” This is the sad end for way too many who have no avenue to discuss or escape the battle going on in their mind.
There are different levels of depression and not everyone who is depressed thinks about suicide, but many do. The thing is although she doesn’t consider suicide as an option, the escape into death is a somewhat attractive scenario. Just the thought of how much better things would be if God would go ahead and end the pain. How selfish, right? After all, if her life ends it only ends her suffering, not the suffering of those who love her. But she doesn’t think about it as selfish. In her mind she wants to stop the pain and feels that she is a burden to others, therefore, this escape would bring a better life to those who are forced to love her, out of obligation. It would allow them to move on with their lives without having to worry about her or be concerned about how to handle her when she is around. She sees death as freedom, not a selfish act that brings pain to others. Is she wrong? Of course. But in her mind it all makes sense. Besides, she doesn’t want to take her own life, she just wants God to take her. Then no one can blame her. No one can be mad at her again. It would be an uncontrollable event in life and everyone has to face those from time to time so everyone would be ok.
She’s still here right now. She’s still struggling to find the right answers. She’s still hoping for victory in this war that will bring peace and happiness to her life. She walks quietly by you at work, at school, at church and in the grocery store, wondering if anyone will notice the pain through the fake smile and jokes, and care enough to love her in spite of her flaws, in spite of her failures, in spite of her negative attitude. How we react to her, how we see her, how we accept her could determine how the war ends. She’s just like you, but different. She needs love and understanding.
