Cross That Line

"Go ahead, cross that line. I Dare You!" he said as he drew a line in the dirt with his foot.

I remember it well. I'm sure it happened many times as a kid when it made no impact at all but there was one "Cross that line" event that stayed in my memory for life. I didn't want to cross that line. I knew when I crossed that line he would hit me and I knew that he was bigger, stronger and tougher than me, but everyone was watching. You can't let 'em know you're scared. A real man, even in elementary school, doesn't back down from a dare. So, I did it. I crossed that line...

How many times in life have I "Crossed That Line"? Physically, emotionally, spiritually or any other *ally you can think of, I have crossed many lines in my life. Some call it courageous, some call it stupid, I just call it The Life of Dwyndl. Sometimes it's brave to venture into the unknown, try new things and explore uncharted waters. Sometimes it's not about a challenge as much as it is about pride and selfishness. Normally when the phrase, "cross that line" is used, it has a bad or negative connotation. But what is it that causes us to do it? Why listen to the bully who is manipulating you to step into danger? Why worry about the jeers from the crowd telling you to "Do it, Do it, Do it!"? Why cross over into what you know to be wrong and bad for you?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about this subject. I've read some articles, 1 book and many Bible passages about failure, redemption, mistakes, sin, forgiveness and restoration. Ya see, I consider myself, at this stage in life, to be a failure. I know many of you will want to tell me how I am Not a failure and point out the good things in my life, and I won't list the reasons why I believe this to be true but trust me, the list is long. I'm not saying I will remain a failure, but at this point in my life I have failed and as I evaluate the reasons why, it comes down to crossing that line. Actually I can look back at my life and see that every time I failed in a big way, every time I had to start over, every time I brought shame or disgrace to myself, my family or my God, it was because I crossed that line. Always the same line? No, there have been many. But every time, although coerced and enticed by the biggest bully of them all, I personally chose to cross that line knowing perfectly well that it was a mistake and I have to face the consequences each time.

The last playground game with the bully happened over 2 years ago and was the worst beating of my life. I was not just knocked down with a little bleeding and bruises. This time I was knocked out and left for dead. As far as I was concerned I had died. No desire in me to get up, no motivation to recover or fight another day, I was defeated and believed that there was no hope for recovery. Then the Principal came out to the playground and picked me up out of the dirt. He sat me down next to a kid who could not only protect me but could encourage me to hold my head up and go back out on the playground to enjoy the games as they were intended. I continued to struggle with fear that the Bully would show up again, entice me and once again I would some day cross that line. I worried that the last line I crossed was too big to overcome and my Father could never see me as a man again, instead only feel ashamed that I had claimed to be His son. How could I cross back to the other side of that line once I had crossed it so defiantly?

Some of my readings led me to a man named David. He was a great man. Honored and adored by many. Yet he was coerced by the Bully to cross that line and boy did he. He committed adultery with the wife of a man who was honoring David and serving him as soldier. He tried to cover up a pregnancy and even had her husband killed. David paid greatly for his sin, but he repented and he was called a man after God's own heart. I read about a man named Peter who crossed a line out of fear of the crowd. He lived for 3 years with his mentor, his leader, his Lord and Savior and loved Him very much. He was dedicated to His leader to the point when his mentor was being arrested Peter tried to kill one of the arresting officers but cut off the man's ear instead. Later in the night, when everyone had turned against this man Peter worshiped and pledged allegiance, Peter denied he even knew this man. The thing that makes it even worse; as Peter denied the final time, very emphatically, he looked up into the eyes of the man on whom he had just turned his back. What a failure! A few days later, after his Savior had been killed and raised from the dead, Peter came to understand forgiveness like never before and later preached a sermon which was understood in many languages and 3000 people put faith in this Savior Peter had denied and the good news of Jesus was spread to the whole world.

In elementary school I crossed that line physically and although I put up a fight, I was pummeled by the bully. It makes great TV to show the weaker kid beat the bully but in real life, the bully normally wins the fight. I obviously didn't learn to apply to all of life because since then I've allowed the lure of something better, more exciting, more fun, or even the dare of something forbidden to entice me to cross that line when I knew the ultimate bully was waiting to pummel me. I've been taught my whole life that once you cross certain lines there's no going back. There's no way to ever be of use again. I believed that and had given up; until God reminded me of Grace. I am ashamed of the lines I've crossed out of pride or selfishness but I'm finally accepting that when God said He would forgive, that included a failure like me. Am I a failure, Yep, you bet your mama's sweet petunias I am, but if it weren't for failures Jesus wouldn't have needed to die. If it weren't for failures we wouldn't have a Bible because every person who wrote it was a failure at some point. I have failed but I won't continue to fail in the same ways. Finally I am beginning to understand that Grace really is just that, Grace, a free gift, not something I have to earn, but something I should be so grateful for that it changes who I am and the decisions I make. I'm not bragging about my sin, I'm bragging about a God who loves me enough to forgive me and still love me after I let Him down. He'll do the same for you.

Go ahead, cross that line. I dare you!

Bye Bye Pigs - Why?

OK, So I'm starting a new blog. I haven't written a blog since I was a missionary and even then I was very bad about keeping it up, but I feel that my new journey needs to be recorded so I'm giving it a try. If no one reads it, at least I'll have something to look back on in my old age and remember the struggles, the lessons, the laughs and the tears that are leading me to who I will someday be.....

Because this is a journey......

For my first blog I thought I should explain the name of the Blog. "Bye Bye Pigs" came to me one day as I was studying the story of the Parable of the Prodigal or Lost Son in Luke 15. I know most people reading this blog will know that story, but let me paraphrase it, because I like to over-explain in many words what can be said so much more eloquently in just a few words... :)

(Also, I like using ...)

The Story (It's the story of 2 sons, but I'm focusing right now on the younger)

The son of a rich man decided he was "grown." (This happens to most boys way before they truly are grown, I know I'm still waiting for that day to come in my life although at 18 I thought it to be true about myself.) He goes to his father and demands his inheritance. You know, that which he would receive when his father DIES!! The amazing thing to me in this part of the story is that the Father does it. He divides it all and gives to the younger son all that would, one day, be his. 

We have to understand that in this culture the young son was saying to his father, "I wish you were dead! And I want My Money NOW so I never have to see you again!" Maybe the Father was thinking, "I'll teach him a lesson." Maybe he was thinking, "It's worth it to get this ungrateful kid out of my house." Or maybe the father was just Heartbroken and realized he could not force his own son to love and respect him, but because of his great love for his son, he was willing to give him provision, undeserved.

The son took off with his inheritance, moved to a far off country and began to enjoy the blessings that he had not earned. Because he had only taken from his father and not learned from his father, he spent the money pretty quickly. Finding himself in a strange land, surrounded by strangers who would not be friends with a poor man, no food in his belly and no money in his pocket he searched for work. Grateful just to have a job, he fed, and even lived with, pigs. The pain of real hunger led him to eat with the pigs just to continue living. Understand, this was before PITA and Government regulations that required proper grains and nutrition for pigs. He was eating Slop, nothing more than garbage and had no other choice, or so he thought...

Then one day he woke up. looked around and and was thinking about his childhood, his home and his father. He looked at the these pigs and the slop he was eating, and he pictured the servants of his father eating good meals and sleeping in warm beds. Now, if he was anything like me, he continued to dine a little more on the slop believing that he had no right and was not worthy to return to his father's home but he began to contemplate if there might be some way he could still be offered a small amount of grace. As he thought about the servants of his Father he realized that working for his Father would be better than his current situation so he thought about how he might address the man he had embarrassed, disrespected and turned his back on. There was only one course of action... True Repentance. 

The broken young man decided to plea for mercy; to ask the Father he had wished dead to allow him to return as a servant. He recognized that he was not worthy to be a son, not worthy to be restored but would be willing to work as a servant for basic needs and the chance to restore respect. Then he said Bye Bye to the pigs and in verse 20 he did what I think is one of the most difficult things in life to do after acting like an idiot, "So he got up and went to his father." 

You know the rest of the story, as he was walking home and still a long way off, his Father saw him, ran to him, hugged him and even as the young man repented and asked to be a servant, the Father called for a party to celebrate that his SON had returned home. He didn't return as a servant but as as full-fledged son of his father. Fully forgiven, fully restored, even after he had been so unloving, uncaring, insulting, selfish and downright stupid.

My Story

I relate to this story so much, especially the stupid part. I was a son of the King representing Him in the most incredible manner possible. Enjoying the blessings of sonship and fulfilling a dream that most think impossible when I slapped my Father in the face, disgraced Him and ran to a far country. I wasn't even smart enough to get the money first, I just left. Having embarrassed, disrespected and turned my back on my loving Father I decided to embrace a life distinctly opposite of the life He had offered and desired for me. I found myself living among the swine and looking for the little piece of steak that might have slipped past the maid when the plates were cleaned. Although I tried to convince others that I was still acting as a Son of My Father, I was acting on my own behalf and living a lie. A lie that was hurting me, my family and especially my Father.

Finally, because I wanted my sons to be better than their Dad, I started attending a little church and looking for excuses not to go regularly. One Sunday, after several Sundays of no feelings whatsoever, something got my attention. Then just a few weeks later, the New Pastor began to speak directly to me from the platform. I know it's not really how it happened, but it seemed as if everyone else faded away, the spot light was shining on me and the preacher was sitting in front of me saying, "Dwyndl, this is for you" after every statement. That happened 3 Sundays in a row and finally I realized it was time to say, "Bye Bye Pigs" and to get up and walk back home. 

I didn't, and still don't, feel worthy to walk to my Father and ask for forgiveness. I didn't, and still don't, feel worthy to be called a Child of God. I didn't, and still don't, feel worthy to be restored and have God love me, accept me and even use me in some way. The truth? ... I was not and still am not worthy of any of that, but I'm not forgiven, restored, called a child of God, loved by God or used by God because of my worthiness or because of who I am. I enjoy all of those blessings because of Who He Is! 

The prodigal wasn't accepted and forgiven because of Himself, but because of the character of his father. No one is more critical of me than me and I know I'm not who or where I want to be some day, but I can say this with all sincerity: I have gotten up and I am walking back home. Bye Bye Pigs, Hello Father. If you won't accept me as your son, I'll gladly be your slave. I can't change what I've done but You can change who I am. I'm just a fallen son, tired of swine, standing up and walking home..... 

Look, look, can you see Him? There He is, in the distance, running toward me. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Bye Bye Pigs, I'm headed Home!