Sleepy Time

Have you ever fallen asleep while listening to a sermon in church? I love good preaching, heck I love to preach and I've seen many people fall asleep during my sermons, which is strange since I consider myself a good preacher. Reluctantly I admit that I also have fallen asleep during the sermons of others. Sometimes it's just hard to keep the eyes open. But I know how it feels to see someone sleeping while you are pouring out your heart, it's not exactly a confidence booster.

What about falling asleep in the middle of a conversation with someone, have you ever done that? I remember sitting in my boss's office a few years back and suddenly he asked, "Are you OK?" That question woke me up. Now, to my defense, I had accidentally taken some Benadryl which knocks me out. (How I accidentally took the wrong medicine is a different story, y'all stay focused here.) However, it's embarrassing to fall asleep when someone is talking to you. It's kind of insulting to the other person.

When I was younger I was taught to pray. My parents believe in prayer and they demonstrated that belief everyday as well as encouraged me to pray daily. In fact, as a teen and through most of my 20's I would pray every night once I was lying in bed ready to go to sleep. There were even many times I would have a special prayer time right before lying down, yet I would still find myself praying once my head hit the pillow. It seemed funny to me that I couldn't go to sleep until I had prayed while in bed, understand that kneeling beside the bed prior or sitting in the living room with my family praying simply did not suffice. (Yep I'm weird.)

Eventually I somehow convinced myself that praying while in bed was not a requirement but simply a habit. I got in the habit of praying during the day and sometimes right before bed but not normally IN bed. Lots of things have changed through the years and my relationship with God has risen to great heights and sunken to embarrassing lows. Over the past year God has done amazing things to challenge me, convict me, correct me and call me to a closer walk with Him. For the past 19 days I've been taking part in a Daniel Fast which has been absolutely amazing. (I will write more about it once it's completed. We will wrap up 21 days at 7 pm on Saturday, January 26 and either that night or on Sunday I hope to write a blog post about my 3 week experience.) During this time my Bible Study and Prayer Life have both increased and improved in astonishing ways.

I realized a few days ago that I am back to praying when I lie down at night. I can have an incredible time with God, pouring out my heart, worshiping and listening to Him and yet I still will pray when I lie down. The realization also hit me that I've been falling asleep many nights while praying. I began to contemplate this last night and wonder if that is insulting to God. Does He see it as me treating Him as a routine or does He see it as me giving my last waking moment to Him? I have noticed that on the nights I've fallen asleep while praying, I enjoy a more peaceful sleep, my dreams are relaxing and pleasant and I wake up refreshed.

Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 that we should "Pray without ceasing." (NKJV) I won't go into all that can be taught by that statement and how it should effect our lives but it is clear that we should stay in contact with God. I have been rejoicing lately with all that God has been teaching me and how He has been changing me. I think the amount of time I've been spending in Real, Honest, Relational, God-Seeking Prayer has made a difference in my life. I am going to choose to believe that when I fall asleep praying, God sees my heart and knows that I gave my last moment of consciousness to Him. I simply want to honor Him and know Him more. I am convinced more than ever that Prayer Changes things, especially the person praying.

Afraid of the Dark

When I was little I wasn't really afraid of the dark, well I could sleep without a light and I would walk through dark places, but there were times and places that the darkness really freaked me out. Have you ever been alone in a church, late at night, with all the lights out? Let me tell you, there are some strange noises in there. :)

As a young child, so inocent and trusting, I looked up to my Big Sister and believed what she told me. (You see I am the good one here, right?) She convinced me that in the small, quiet, peaceful town of Olive Branch, on little peaceful Coleman Street, under the back yard of the house on the hill at the end of the street, there were small, evil dwarfs who only opened their cave and attacked people at night. Therefore, I was terrified to walk down the street after dark.

One night we there was a group of us playing flashlight tag outside and the big kids let me play. My next door neighbor, a girl mind you, wanted to go hide on the other side of the fense which surrounded the back yard above the evil, hidden cave. What was I to do? I couldn't let a Girl know that I was scared, so I walked with her right past the cave, which I had seen twice before, and hid with her. I don't think she knew how scared I was at the time. She didn't realize how I was shaking and praying that the dwarfs would let us pass this night. An amazing thing happened; we survived!! Eventually, I realized that there was no hidden cave below the Prather's yard and I could walk down that hill at night without fear, well kinda.

It's funny how the darkness is so much scarier than the light. We all know, in our heads, that there is nothing in the darkness that is not there in the light, but we can see it in the light, and that makes all the difference. The enemy likes to use the dark to make us beleive we are in danger, to hold us captive and to keep us from moving forward. The unknown is scary for most. Many times we are even afraid when we know there is no reason, but we allow fear to creep in and sometimes slow us down or even stop us from doing what we know we should do.

In 1 Kings Elijah was God's prophet and the king had allowed Jezebel to influence him and now there were false gods being worshipped throughout the land and the majority of the people were following the lead of Jezebel. Elijah trusted God's Word and announced a drought would come. During this 3 year drought God provided for Elijah in many ways and allowed him to be a part of great miracles. At the end of the 3 years Elijah went before the king and made a challenge to the 450 prophets of baal. They all met on Mount Carmel and Elijah allowed the 450 to go first. They built an altar to their gods and asked the gods to ignite a fire for the altar. They spent the entire day praying, begging and even cutting themselves in hopes of an answer from the gods they served. No fire came.

Elijah now had his turn and he built the altar, placed the bull on the altar and had some men pour 12 large buckets of water over the altar to where the wood was soaked completely even the ditch around the altar was filled with water. He then prayed to the True God and fire came to the altar and everything on the altar was burned, even the water in the trench was dried up.

This was an amazing act of God and the people saw that the God of Elijah was the Real God, worhty of worship and praise. However, when Jezabel heard about it she threatened the life of Elijah and chapter 19, verse 3 says something that baffels me after such an incredible victory, "Elijah was afraid and ran for his life." After all the powerful and amazing things God had done in and through Elijah, he ran out of fear. He went to the wilderness to hide and slept in a dark cave. He wanted to give up.

I have been paralyzed with fear before. In fact, I'm scared right now. As I see what God is doing and think about who I am, I am terrified of failure. Fear has knocked me down and I've allowed it to keep me from moving forward or doing what I knew to be right. That is to my shame, but I'm learning again. I have also had times that I was fearless. I remember tackling a very difficult issue at church once and having a leader in the church hug me and tell me I was the most courageous man he knew. I didn't feel courageous at the time. I was scared but I was convicted that I was doing right so I did it. I want to be that man again. I want to be the adventurer, the inovator, the man willing to do what God says and go where God says, even when I am in the dark and can't see if the cave is open or not.

God asked Elijah, twice, why he was there and each time Elijah replied that it was because he had worked so hard and done right yet the people still want to kill him. God spoke to Elijah in a quiet voice and told him to go back and even though he was afraid, he went! Even in the fear he do what he knew God wanted him to do. He let fear slow him down and he even wanted to stop but ultimately he walked with God and let fear be defeated.

Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Why was Elijah afraid after such a great vicotry, I can't explain it, but it makes me see that it's human nature and no one is above fear. The solution is not to somehow never be afraid, the solution is to keep moving forward, doing what is right even when fear is present and the enemy is trying to keep you in the dark to enhance that fear. Let's all move forward this year and see what God will do in and through us as we let Him guide us through the darkness of fear into His light which always brings victory!

God Given Goals

It's 2013!! Many people are making New Years Resolutions and setting goals for the coming year. I have to admit that I have made and failed to follow through on Many New Years Resolutions in my life. This year I am not making any, but I am setting a few goals for 2013. Some of them are goals to reach by my Birthday in March, I have a couple to reach by Summer Time and I have a couple to reach by the end of the year.

I'm not listing my goals in this blog but if anyone wants to know them I have no problem sharing. I created a spreadsheet to help me keep track of how I'm doing and I think that will help me remember each day that I need to do certain things if I am to have success with my goals.

As I was doing my Bible Study today I read Luke 19 and the story of Zacchaeus. There are several lessons to be learned in this story but today I was struck by the chance for a New Beginning that was given this man and the need to stay focused on God Given Goals. If you don't remember the story, let me paraphrase it for you:

Jesus was traveling through Jerico and Zacchaeus was one of many who wanted to get a glimpse of him. Zacchaeus was a very wealthy man, but not well liked. He had gained his wealth by cheating people as he gathered taxes from them. Tax collectors were considered to be the lowest of the low and no one wanted to be associated with them. But this tax collector had a desire to see Jesus. He was a short man and knew that it would be difficult to get a good look over the crowd so he ran ahead of the crowd, climbed up a sycamore-fig tree and waited to see this man who was causing a stir.

When Jesus arrived at the tree he shocked everyone by stopping and inviting himself to to the house of Zacchaeus. Many people thought Jesus was making a big mistake by eating with such a sinner as this Tax Collector. Jesus was ridiculed and his motives questioned, but He stayed focused on His Goals of coming "to seek and to save the lost" (verse 10). Of course, Jesus is God so He can stay focued, I'm a simple, sinful man, so I have an excuse for not following through with my goals, right? ;) I don't think so. I am amazed at the results of Jesus doing the Father's Will and ignoring the crowd; this dirty, rotten, cheating, theiving, low-down tax collector was changed and impacted lives by spending time with Jesus. His life was changed forever and he now had new God Given Goals.

It's amazing what happens when we truly spend time with Jesus and let His presence, power and peace affect our thinking and our way of living. This "Sinner" recognized his sins and truly repented of his wrong. How do I know he repented? Simple, He was changed. He didn't just say a few nice words, he went out and acted like a changed man. He paid back all that he had stolen, but not just what he stole, he gave back 4 times what he had stolen plus he gave half of his posseisions to the poor. Let me tell you, when a rich man gives away over half of his money and stuff, He has gone through a real change, real repentence, not just an emotional decision. This man was impacted and changed by his time with Jesus. As well it should be with all of us.

I am so thankful that God is giving me a second chance. A year ago I was making very selfish goals and looking for ways to cover up my sinfulness and selfishness. Through the course of 2012 God got my attention and began to draw me back. I'm still not perfect, but I'm climbing, I'm seeking and I'm accepting the invitation of Jesus to come into His presence each day. God has brought redemption, repentence and renewal to my life and I could never praise Him enough for this oportunity to Begin Again and go after the God Given Goals that I believe He has placed on my heart.

Where are you going in 2013? I hope you are on the journey toward God's Will for your life and not seeking selfish goals. His goals will not only lead to His Glory but to your satisfaction. I'm looking forward to what God will do this year and I pray that we will all take this new oportunity for a 2nd chance and stay focused on His Goals for us! God Bless!

Cross That Line

"Go ahead, cross that line. I Dare You!" he said as he drew a line in the dirt with his foot.

I remember it well. I'm sure it happened many times as a kid when it made no impact at all but there was one "Cross that line" event that stayed in my memory for life. I didn't want to cross that line. I knew when I crossed that line he would hit me and I knew that he was bigger, stronger and tougher than me, but everyone was watching. You can't let 'em know you're scared. A real man, even in elementary school, doesn't back down from a dare. So, I did it. I crossed that line...

How many times in life have I "Crossed That Line"? Physically, emotionally, spiritually or any other *ally you can think of, I have crossed many lines in my life. Some call it courageous, some call it stupid, I just call it The Life of Dwyndl. Sometimes it's brave to venture into the unknown, try new things and explore uncharted waters. Sometimes it's not about a challenge as much as it is about pride and selfishness. Normally when the phrase, "cross that line" is used, it has a bad or negative connotation. But what is it that causes us to do it? Why listen to the bully who is manipulating you to step into danger? Why worry about the jeers from the crowd telling you to "Do it, Do it, Do it!"? Why cross over into what you know to be wrong and bad for you?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about this subject. I've read some articles, 1 book and many Bible passages about failure, redemption, mistakes, sin, forgiveness and restoration. Ya see, I consider myself, at this stage in life, to be a failure. I know many of you will want to tell me how I am Not a failure and point out the good things in my life, and I won't list the reasons why I believe this to be true but trust me, the list is long. I'm not saying I will remain a failure, but at this point in my life I have failed and as I evaluate the reasons why, it comes down to crossing that line. Actually I can look back at my life and see that every time I failed in a big way, every time I had to start over, every time I brought shame or disgrace to myself, my family or my God, it was because I crossed that line. Always the same line? No, there have been many. But every time, although coerced and enticed by the biggest bully of them all, I personally chose to cross that line knowing perfectly well that it was a mistake and I have to face the consequences each time.

The last playground game with the bully happened over 2 years ago and was the worst beating of my life. I was not just knocked down with a little bleeding and bruises. This time I was knocked out and left for dead. As far as I was concerned I had died. No desire in me to get up, no motivation to recover or fight another day, I was defeated and believed that there was no hope for recovery. Then the Principal came out to the playground and picked me up out of the dirt. He sat me down next to a kid who could not only protect me but could encourage me to hold my head up and go back out on the playground to enjoy the games as they were intended. I continued to struggle with fear that the Bully would show up again, entice me and once again I would some day cross that line. I worried that the last line I crossed was too big to overcome and my Father could never see me as a man again, instead only feel ashamed that I had claimed to be His son. How could I cross back to the other side of that line once I had crossed it so defiantly?

Some of my readings led me to a man named David. He was a great man. Honored and adored by many. Yet he was coerced by the Bully to cross that line and boy did he. He committed adultery with the wife of a man who was honoring David and serving him as soldier. He tried to cover up a pregnancy and even had her husband killed. David paid greatly for his sin, but he repented and he was called a man after God's own heart. I read about a man named Peter who crossed a line out of fear of the crowd. He lived for 3 years with his mentor, his leader, his Lord and Savior and loved Him very much. He was dedicated to His leader to the point when his mentor was being arrested Peter tried to kill one of the arresting officers but cut off the man's ear instead. Later in the night, when everyone had turned against this man Peter worshiped and pledged allegiance, Peter denied he even knew this man. The thing that makes it even worse; as Peter denied the final time, very emphatically, he looked up into the eyes of the man on whom he had just turned his back. What a failure! A few days later, after his Savior had been killed and raised from the dead, Peter came to understand forgiveness like never before and later preached a sermon which was understood in many languages and 3000 people put faith in this Savior Peter had denied and the good news of Jesus was spread to the whole world.

In elementary school I crossed that line physically and although I put up a fight, I was pummeled by the bully. It makes great TV to show the weaker kid beat the bully but in real life, the bully normally wins the fight. I obviously didn't learn to apply to all of life because since then I've allowed the lure of something better, more exciting, more fun, or even the dare of something forbidden to entice me to cross that line when I knew the ultimate bully was waiting to pummel me. I've been taught my whole life that once you cross certain lines there's no going back. There's no way to ever be of use again. I believed that and had given up; until God reminded me of Grace. I am ashamed of the lines I've crossed out of pride or selfishness but I'm finally accepting that when God said He would forgive, that included a failure like me. Am I a failure, Yep, you bet your mama's sweet petunias I am, but if it weren't for failures Jesus wouldn't have needed to die. If it weren't for failures we wouldn't have a Bible because every person who wrote it was a failure at some point. I have failed but I won't continue to fail in the same ways. Finally I am beginning to understand that Grace really is just that, Grace, a free gift, not something I have to earn, but something I should be so grateful for that it changes who I am and the decisions I make. I'm not bragging about my sin, I'm bragging about a God who loves me enough to forgive me and still love me after I let Him down. He'll do the same for you.

Go ahead, cross that line. I dare you!

Bye Bye Pigs - Why?

OK, So I'm starting a new blog. I haven't written a blog since I was a missionary and even then I was very bad about keeping it up, but I feel that my new journey needs to be recorded so I'm giving it a try. If no one reads it, at least I'll have something to look back on in my old age and remember the struggles, the lessons, the laughs and the tears that are leading me to who I will someday be.....

Because this is a journey......

For my first blog I thought I should explain the name of the Blog. "Bye Bye Pigs" came to me one day as I was studying the story of the Parable of the Prodigal or Lost Son in Luke 15. I know most people reading this blog will know that story, but let me paraphrase it, because I like to over-explain in many words what can be said so much more eloquently in just a few words... :)

(Also, I like using ...)

The Story (It's the story of 2 sons, but I'm focusing right now on the younger)

The son of a rich man decided he was "grown." (This happens to most boys way before they truly are grown, I know I'm still waiting for that day to come in my life although at 18 I thought it to be true about myself.) He goes to his father and demands his inheritance. You know, that which he would receive when his father DIES!! The amazing thing to me in this part of the story is that the Father does it. He divides it all and gives to the younger son all that would, one day, be his. 

We have to understand that in this culture the young son was saying to his father, "I wish you were dead! And I want My Money NOW so I never have to see you again!" Maybe the Father was thinking, "I'll teach him a lesson." Maybe he was thinking, "It's worth it to get this ungrateful kid out of my house." Or maybe the father was just Heartbroken and realized he could not force his own son to love and respect him, but because of his great love for his son, he was willing to give him provision, undeserved.

The son took off with his inheritance, moved to a far off country and began to enjoy the blessings that he had not earned. Because he had only taken from his father and not learned from his father, he spent the money pretty quickly. Finding himself in a strange land, surrounded by strangers who would not be friends with a poor man, no food in his belly and no money in his pocket he searched for work. Grateful just to have a job, he fed, and even lived with, pigs. The pain of real hunger led him to eat with the pigs just to continue living. Understand, this was before PITA and Government regulations that required proper grains and nutrition for pigs. He was eating Slop, nothing more than garbage and had no other choice, or so he thought...

Then one day he woke up. looked around and and was thinking about his childhood, his home and his father. He looked at the these pigs and the slop he was eating, and he pictured the servants of his father eating good meals and sleeping in warm beds. Now, if he was anything like me, he continued to dine a little more on the slop believing that he had no right and was not worthy to return to his father's home but he began to contemplate if there might be some way he could still be offered a small amount of grace. As he thought about the servants of his Father he realized that working for his Father would be better than his current situation so he thought about how he might address the man he had embarrassed, disrespected and turned his back on. There was only one course of action... True Repentance. 

The broken young man decided to plea for mercy; to ask the Father he had wished dead to allow him to return as a servant. He recognized that he was not worthy to be a son, not worthy to be restored but would be willing to work as a servant for basic needs and the chance to restore respect. Then he said Bye Bye to the pigs and in verse 20 he did what I think is one of the most difficult things in life to do after acting like an idiot, "So he got up and went to his father." 

You know the rest of the story, as he was walking home and still a long way off, his Father saw him, ran to him, hugged him and even as the young man repented and asked to be a servant, the Father called for a party to celebrate that his SON had returned home. He didn't return as a servant but as as full-fledged son of his father. Fully forgiven, fully restored, even after he had been so unloving, uncaring, insulting, selfish and downright stupid.

My Story

I relate to this story so much, especially the stupid part. I was a son of the King representing Him in the most incredible manner possible. Enjoying the blessings of sonship and fulfilling a dream that most think impossible when I slapped my Father in the face, disgraced Him and ran to a far country. I wasn't even smart enough to get the money first, I just left. Having embarrassed, disrespected and turned my back on my loving Father I decided to embrace a life distinctly opposite of the life He had offered and desired for me. I found myself living among the swine and looking for the little piece of steak that might have slipped past the maid when the plates were cleaned. Although I tried to convince others that I was still acting as a Son of My Father, I was acting on my own behalf and living a lie. A lie that was hurting me, my family and especially my Father.

Finally, because I wanted my sons to be better than their Dad, I started attending a little church and looking for excuses not to go regularly. One Sunday, after several Sundays of no feelings whatsoever, something got my attention. Then just a few weeks later, the New Pastor began to speak directly to me from the platform. I know it's not really how it happened, but it seemed as if everyone else faded away, the spot light was shining on me and the preacher was sitting in front of me saying, "Dwyndl, this is for you" after every statement. That happened 3 Sundays in a row and finally I realized it was time to say, "Bye Bye Pigs" and to get up and walk back home. 

I didn't, and still don't, feel worthy to walk to my Father and ask for forgiveness. I didn't, and still don't, feel worthy to be called a Child of God. I didn't, and still don't, feel worthy to be restored and have God love me, accept me and even use me in some way. The truth? ... I was not and still am not worthy of any of that, but I'm not forgiven, restored, called a child of God, loved by God or used by God because of my worthiness or because of who I am. I enjoy all of those blessings because of Who He Is! 

The prodigal wasn't accepted and forgiven because of Himself, but because of the character of his father. No one is more critical of me than me and I know I'm not who or where I want to be some day, but I can say this with all sincerity: I have gotten up and I am walking back home. Bye Bye Pigs, Hello Father. If you won't accept me as your son, I'll gladly be your slave. I can't change what I've done but You can change who I am. I'm just a fallen son, tired of swine, standing up and walking home..... 

Look, look, can you see Him? There He is, in the distance, running toward me. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Bye Bye Pigs, I'm headed Home!