She's Fine... A Girl I Know

Often she is told to “Suck it up” or “Get over it” or “Just be strong” when inside she feels like she has been strong for a really long time and no one noticed. To those who have never experienced it on a deep or long-term level, it appears as weakness or a negative attitude. The truth is she wants to be happy, she wants to be positive, she wants to see the bright side and find the rainbow in the storm and there are days she is able to do just that. However, there are days, most days to be honest, when all she can see is failure, sadness and how badly things are going in her life.

A smile and “I’m fine” is much easier than the truth that most people don’t even want to hear. If she says what she’s thinking, and sometimes she does, she is met with strange looks, simple clichés or the eye rolls which say, “Oh no, here we go again. What a downer!” She doesn’t want to be a downer. She knows all of the clichés. She simply doesn’t know how to escape the thoughts and fears in her head. So she tells little white lies, on most days, to keep from being seen as negative; to keep from hearing again, “everything will be ok.” She goes to the bathroom alone so that no one will see the tears in her eyes; the tears she can’t explain, she can’t justify, she can’t rationalize… the tears she can’t stop.

People who don’t deal with it think it’s easy to overcome. It’s just mind over matter so she is obviously not trying hard enough, right? Actually, she tells herself that all the time. She convinces herself that it’s a matter of choice, it’s a negative attitude, she just need to make the choice to be better and move forward to the great life that awaits. With a little time, it creeps back in; the doubts, the fear, the subtle reminders of how she doesn’t match up with expectations or the success of others.

She knows that just because she battles depression doesn’t make her any different than others. She wants the same things as others,

but she struggles with thoughts of unworthiness and failure. She doesn’t intend to upset you or bring you down, she simply wants to understand and to be able to share her feelings as a means of getting it out. Someone once said, “Depression is like fighting a war. Either you win or you die trying.” This is the sad end for way too many who have no avenue to discuss or escape the battle going on in their mind.

There are different levels of depression and not everyone who is depressed thinks about suicide, but many do. The thing is although she doesn’t consider suicide as an option, the escape into death is a somewhat attractive scenario. Just the thought of how much better things would be if God would go ahead and end  the pain. How selfish, right? After all, if her life ends it only ends her suffering, not the suffering of those who love her. But she doesn’t think about it as selfish. In her mind she wants to stop the pain and feels that she is a burden to others, therefore, this escape would bring a better life to those who are forced to love her, out of obligation. It would allow them to move on with their lives without having to worry about her or be concerned about how to handle her when she is around. She sees death as freedom, not a selfish act that brings pain to others. Is she wrong? Of course. But in her mind it all makes sense. Besides, she doesn’t want to take her own life, she just wants God to take her. Then no one can blame her. No one can be mad at her again. It would be an uncontrollable event in life and everyone has to face those from time to time so everyone would be ok.

She’s still here right now. She’s still struggling to find the right answers. She’s still hoping for victory in this war that will bring peace and happiness to her life. She walks quietly by you at work, at school, at church and in the grocery store, wondering if anyone will notice the pain through the fake smile and jokes, and care enough to love her in spite of her flaws, in spite of her failures, in spite of her negative attitude. How we react to her, how we see her, how we accept her could determine how the war ends. She’s just like you, but different. She needs love and understanding.

Man-Child of Mine

My oldest son is 18 years old. Is that possible? I could swear that I am only 18 most days. In his mind, there's something about this number of years that makes him a man, while in my eyes he’s that little blond kid who has no fear and never meets a stranger; but a man? Wow! That’s a scary thought to me. I imagine my parents felt the same way about me when I was that age, they probably still question if I’m a grown up yet.

The night of my high school graduation is going through my mind right now. After the graduation ceremony, on the OBHS Football Field, I went home for a few minutes before going out with friends. My Dad asked me to come with him into my room and he gave me a big hug, told me how proud he was of me and called me a man. Looking back, that scared the fruit loops out of me. Sure, I thought of myself as a man, kind of, and I wanted my parents to see me as a man, but to actually hear it? That’s a lot of responsibility. It’s much easier to live off of Mom and Dad, let them make the tough decisions and let them clean up the messes that I made. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this title, but I felt so proud that my Dad saw me that way. After wiping away the tears and saying thanks to my family, I took off to drive around Sonic before heading to the graduation party at Maywood, I danced, did a flip off the high dive and acted like a kid until the sun came up. It felt good to be a man.

Manhood is a confusing thing. What man, regardless of age, doesn’t want to climb that cliff, jump into cold, unknown waters, just because it’s there? What man, regardless of age, doesn’t get a little excited at the sight of paintball gun and the thought of bringing pain to his closest friends? What man doesn’t care if he looks silly, or how much pain will ensue the next day; if it means getting to bounce around a moon bounce or clumsily slip and slide down a kid’s Slip n Slide? Yet, there’s a need to make sure the bills are paid, protect his family, provide extras for those he loves and be the best employee possible, completing all assignments in a competent and timely manner, all while setting a Godly example of character and servitude. But at 18 some of those things seem far away in the distance of time. (Well, the cliff, the paintball guns, moon bounce and slip n slide are fun and possible at all ages; it’s the other stuff I’m talking about.)

My oldest son has the uncanny ability to drive me to the brink of insanity with his characteristically teenage antics, while bringing me to the point of irrepressible pride during moments of undeniable manhood. That odd time of life when we’re still kids, yet adults, is a complex and confusing period. It would be challenging to encounter many at this age who have it figured out completely. There is that desire to prove your manhood, demonstrate responsibility and gain the respect of others; while part of you just wants to play music & video games and be goofy with friends. Those things can, and do, coexist at times. The line is less than thin when trying to be both a man and a boy. People tend to see one or the other, yet the heart of the man-child craves both respect and youthful freedom.

Last night, my son called his mom and me into the bedroom, to "talk about something.” This is a nervous moment for parents as a million scenarios race through our heads of what could be wrong. What has he done? What phone call should we be expecting? For how long will he have to be grounded this time?

The first question from Mom: “OK, is this bad?”

The answer: “No.” Sense of relief as tension fades.

“Well, y’all might think so, but I don’t.” A little fear creeps back in and chest starts to tighten. After all, there are many things that people try to make positive when they are negative, at least at first.

As we watch our first born begin to nervously play with a pillow and explain what he’s been thinking and praying about, calmness eases its way into the room and I lie on the bed in silence, listening to his explanation and reasoning for a decision he is contemplating. My little boy, excuse me, 18 year-old man-child, shared his conflict and his desire to seek God's will in a very special area of his life. He explained the wrestling match he's had between his heart and his head for a few months. As he finished, I see in his eyes a desire for approval so we discuss, for some time, the ramifications of such a decision and different possibilities that should be considered prior to finalizing such a decision. I don’t see the need to disclose the issue because he is still praying about it and it's something personal between God and Noah, but this was one of those moments that will stay with me for the rest of my life. One of the rare times when I feel like I have done something right as a father. Although nervous to talk about this issue with us, for fear that we wouldn’t approve, he was man enough to talk to us, showed us respect by seeking our advice and sharing his view, and let us know that this is a decision that he has to make for himself, as a man. You have to respect that!!

As his Dad and protector, I honestly could not blame him for his struggle, nor could I confidently advise him as to which avenue is best at this time. This really is one of those personal decisions. It’s a God thing and he simply needs to do what God leads him to do. Whatever happens, I will support him and respect him for how he has handled this decision. I’m still here to help guide and protect. I’ll still set rules and guidelines for his senior year to guarantee success in school and future endeavors, I’ll still step in when I see him not acting as a man should, but I can’t deny that he is gaining my respect as a man. When I look at this 18 year old I see the little boy who used to jump off of ladders into my arms, and as much as I want him to stay my little boy, I know he is becoming a man very quickly; a man that I am so proud of.  I praise God that I have been allowed to be a part of his journey into manhood and can’t wait to see what God will do in and through this young man.

Love Letter

Once I received a love letter from someone very special. It was the most-incredible letter I've ever read. For a long time, I would take it out every night and read it again, not believing that someone could love ME that much. At first I was a little afraid to respond. I wasn't sure what others would think about it. But so much passion filled this letter. I could sense the joy and pain that came from pouring out your heart and sharing something so personal with someone who had never really shown any real interest in you. Sure, we had conversations and we hung out when it was convenient or I had no one else to hang out with or everyone else was hanging out at the same place, but I never realized THIS was going on. I never realized that someone had me in their thoughts day and night. Never did I recognize that someone so amazing was always standing near me, just watching, listening and wanting to have an intimate relationship with me; until I read this letter. WOW!

So what did I do? Of course, I responded with enthusiasm and began a new relationship. The love was real, the desire to know more, to experience more and to spend forever together filled my head and heart. Everything was great in the beginning. We spent time together, lots of talking and special moments. I can't really pinpoint exactly when it happened or what event started the change. One day I realized that we hadn't talked in a while. It suddenly hit me how long it had been since I had made an effort to spend time together or talk about life or say, "I love you." The love was still there, but so many important things were happening in my life and time was precious. We had made a commitment together so I was sure that everything would be OK with time. Surely it could be understood that I'm a man with responsibilities and friends and I was spending most of my time helping others, so who could be upset that our time together was put on hold for a while?

Time passed and it was as if we didn't even know each other. I knew I hadn't changed, or so I thought. I was simply trying to do what makes me happy. I was working hard, doing good deeds and suddenly there was a distance between us, a broken relationship and I felt alone. Something had to be done, but I'm a man; I'm not about to go running back, begging someone to stay with me when I've got other choices. I'm a good man, deserving of more than I'm getting from this relationship. It must be over. Time to count our losses and move on to what's next. It's a common thing today and everyone will understand. We can still be friends, just not be intimate anymore. No big deal.

Then it happened. One night while I was down and out, feeling sorry for myself; I came across that letter again. I read it word for word and tears filled my eyes. The love was still there in that letter. Once again, I could sense the passion and desire that filled those pages. There was one promise that brought me to my knees. It was the promise to love me forever. Suddenly my mind was filled with memories of all of the times I chose to leave. All of the times I didn't say, "I love you." All of the times I created distance between us. It was I who had changed. It was I who had drifted away and failed to focus on the love we knew. This letter was so powerful and filled with love that it caused me to run searching for the one who could love me this much. I was determined to search for as long as it took, until I would be able to beg for a chance to renew our relationship.

My expectations were that it would take years to reverse the pain I had caused. I had no right to even ask for a second chance. I had caused too much embarrassment and pain to the one who loved me so purely. To my surprise, when I turned the corner, my love was standing there with arms open for me to experience that amazing embrace. Forgiveness was offered and love was shown in a way that I never thought possible.

If not for that love letter that I had let sit around in a drawer for years, I might have never realized the power of true love. I might have continued on my journey of selfishness and loneliness. Now I read that letter every day as a reminder, as a guide, as a source of hope when things seem bad. This love letter showed me how much I am loved and it shows me how I should love in return. Thank you Jesus for giving me the Bible to show me your love and to bring me back when I tried to leave. Thank you that your love never fails and your forgiveness knows no boundaries. I love you and your love letter.

True Story!

To Noah, Bayley & the future Mrs. Nelms'

A Promise to My Sons for When They Are Some Day Married…

•     I will pray for you, your wife and your children, Every Day! (When you visit I won’t let you leave until I’ve prayed over you, even if we’re mad at each other... It happens.)
•      I will Always be here to listen, give advice and help. (IF you want me to do those things... I won't butt in if you want me to stay out of it... Maybe we should have a signal, like you grab your butt if I'm butting in... No, that would be confusing since you already grab your butt so much. We'll think of something.)
•      I will come to every possible event for your children (once you have children) to encourage them, tell them how talented and awesome they are, and probably embarrass them. (Unless you move far away and can’t afford to pay my plane ticket, because I assume I’ll still be broke... Unless you discover teleportation and then it'll be easy and we'll all be rich anyway; Yeah do THAT!!)
•      I will always welcome your children at my house. (After all, they are not you, they are grandkids and grandkids are awesome, from what I hear.) {See note above for exception}
•      OK, Your wife & you are also welcome at our house anytime as well. (You don't even have to call first, just knock; we'll have the door locked if I'm naked.) 
•      I will tell you on a regular basis “I Love You” and I’ll say it to all of your family. (So Sorry if that’s embarrassing to you, you’ll survive.)
•      I will accept your wife as a daughter and treat her as part of the family. (Please extend my apologies to her for that one.)
•      I will NOT take sides when you argue with your wife. You are grown, you work it out. (You are free to vent to me, but my advice will always lead you to look at the kind of husband you want to be and she deserves. If you see that you are wrong, apologize. If she is wrong, show her mercy and lead her closer to Christ.)
•      I will NOT give unsolicited advice about your marriage, your career or where you choose to live as a family. (I will pray for wisdom and, IF Asked, give my opinion, but I will respect & support the decisions you make as a family, knowing it is YOU who will answer to God for how you lead your family. My job was done when you left me to cleave to her.) {That almost seems Biblical.}
•      I pray that you will have great relationships with your in-laws, but should you have problems with them, don't count on me to bash them or say anything negative about them. (But when no one is around to see or hear it, I'll laugh and laugh.)
•      I will Not pay your bills for you just so you can have fun. (Don’t spend more than you make, plan ahead, and tithe; I guarantee you’ll be fine if you do those things.)
•      I will apologize when I mess up and I’ll forgive you when you mess up. (Both are guaranteed to happen numerous times.)
•      I will always love you and be ready to demonstrate love through encouragement, assistance, my presence in your life, a strong shoulder to cry on and of course sarcasm (You know that’s who we are with each other and I love it.)
•      I will Always be your Dad!! (So if you forget my B-Day or Father's Day I'll cry and make you feel guilty.)

I have great confidence in a bright future for both of you. I can't wait to see how God uses both of you in drastically different ways to impact the world and the next generation. I love you both and I'm so proud and grateful that God blessed me with you both. You're future wives and children will be fortunate to have you in their lives. Love God First, your Wife second, your Kids third, letting the Bible & Holy Spirit guide you and let the rest of the world play their part. Your entire family will be better off if those priorities consistently win out. It's not easy, but it is simple. 

Get Over It!

I've preached a lot of sermons in my life. I honestly don't remember most of them, but there is one in particular that has been brought to remembrance lately. I was preaching about complaining and as I was talking about dealing with minor issues, I told the congregation "Just get over it." This was quoted by several church members in several situations following that sermon, thus cementing the phrase and the sermon in my head.

Recently, a friend, with the best of intentions, gave me the same advice. Apparently, I talk and post a lot about missing Nicaragua and wishing I could go back. This friend told me very directly, "Get over it already!" I have actually given that advice to others on many occasions and even to myself at times when I realized that I was wallowing in self-pity or dwelling on things that are unimportant. It's actually good advice in many situations.

It's been almost 4 years since I moved back to the USA from Nicaragua; over 3  1/2 years since I last touched Nicaraguan soil. Yet, not a single day has passed, barely a single hour has passed, that I have not thought about, and wished I could return to, the land and the people I love. To say I failed in my calling to serve these amazing people would be an understatement. I had the opportunity to live the rest of my life fulfilling my calling and making a difference in the lives of others, but I blew it in a relatively short period of time. I won't go into all the reasons or exactly what happened because it's not important to this writing, but the loss of opportunity to minister in Nicaragua is the greatest regret of my life.

They say, "Time heals all wounds" and that is partially true, but not completely. Sure, I'm a little better than I was 4 years ago. I don't cry several times through the day nor every night as I try to sleep. However, I do have at least one day a week where I shed a few tears and spend most of the day wondering, "What might have been." I know I shouldn't dwell on the past and I know I can't change the past or the consequences of my choices, but I also can't seem to "Get Over" the desire I have to live in and serve the country that stole my heart the first time I spent a week there. I love visiting and serving in other countries as well, but there's something about Nicaragua that is unexplainable. I've never lived anywhere that felt as much like Home as Nicaragua, and I've lived in a lot of places.

I know I am annoying some people by talking so much about Nicaragua. I also recognize that it's good advice to "Get over it" since there's little chance I'll ever get to go back to my home. However, this is who I am. Whether people like it or not, whether I like it or not, this defines me at this time in my life. I have accepted the consequences of my bad decisions, but I still love and long for the life I once lived. I know some worry about me taking my family back there because they only remember my mistakes and not the good that took place or the potential, but my desire is for the good not the mistake. My heart is, and forever will be, in Nicaragua. If it were easy to get over, 4 years would have been long enough. Shouldn't I at least only think about it every once in a while instead of every day?

So now I have a choice to make... I can either stop talking about and posting about my feelings, so as to stop annoying those who don't like it... OR... I can tell those who don't like it or don't understand it to "Get Over It!"

Hmm... I wonder what I'll do?...

 

Making Choices - Making Me

There are people in this world who think I’m a good man; a man of God even. There are others who think I’m evil incarnate. Both sides have reasons for their evaluations of me and both sides are wrong to a certain extent. I know who I am, the struggles I face and the desires I have to do good and to help others. However, I have done some pretty stupid, evil things in my life. I have broken the trust of those who put all their trust in me. I have broken the hearts of those who loved me most. I have broken the promises that I’ve made to those I love most. Those who see me as evil have some good arguments.

When I look back at decisions I have made in life, which have changed the course of my life, I see a pattern. Every time I made a decision to go in to ministry, to pastor a church, lead a camp, speak at a conference, go on a mission trip, become a full-time missionary, etc., I did so with much prayer, bible study and seeking of God’s will and direction. I never entered any of those opportunities without a real sense of pursuing God and an honest desire to serve others and lead others to Christ. Whether everyone believes that or not, it’s the truth.

On the opposite end of that story; I never once failed in ministry Because I was seeking God’s will and praying for His direction. Every moral failure, every disgraceful end, every broken promise, came because I began to make decisions based on my feelings and selfish desires. Please understand that I’m not speaking of mistakes or things that simply didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped. I am talking about failures where I made ungodly decisions to do things that I knew to be wrong but I did them anyway and it led to the loss of what I had claimed to be most important. Every single time it started with the neglecting of prayer and bible study. For me, when I’m struggling with temptation or sin I find it hard to read the Word or Pray because I feel guilty and don’t want to look my Daddy in the face. When I stop talking to Daddy then I’m not getting his good advice and I make decisions based on what His enemy says is OK, because His enemy makes me believe I’m accepted and I’m OK no matter what choice I choose. But the enemy of my Daddy lies, a lot. I’ve bought into his lies way too many times.

Now, at 44 years of age, I face a new problem of my own making. Yes, it is my fault because I chose the things I chose and choices define where we go in life. The problem? I hear voices in my head. Every time I think, God’s up to something, I hear, “but you’ll fail again, you have a track record of doing great things and then falling down in a big way, taking others with you.” The point of this article is not self pity or to get others to tell me, “God’s not through with you yet.” or “God can still use you.” I understand the power of God, but I also understand the power of choices and how God allows us to make those choices and face the consequences. I know I’m forgiven and accepted by God as well as by those who love me. I also know that the opportunities I once had to impact lives can never been fully seen again because time has moved on. I’m not getting down on myself, as some tend to believe, I’m simply evaluating my life and what is next. Somehow I have to move past the past and let God do what God does. But of this one thing I am sure; If I choose on my own, without serious prayer and bible study or without the clear direction of God, regardless of who thinks I should or should not do something, I’m guaranteed to fail again. Right now, I'm seeking Him, the rest He will reveal.