The night of my high school graduation is going through my mind right now. After the graduation ceremony, on the OBHS Football Field, I went home for a few minutes before going out with friends. My Dad asked me to come with him into my room and he gave me a big hug, told me how proud he was of me and called me a man. Looking back, that scared the fruit loops out of me. Sure, I thought of myself as a man, kind of, and I wanted my parents to see me as a man, but to actually hear it? That’s a lot of responsibility. It’s much easier to live off of Mom and Dad, let them make the tough decisions and let them clean up the messes that I made. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this title, but I felt so proud that my Dad saw me that way. After wiping away the tears and saying thanks to my family, I took off to drive around Sonic before heading to the graduation party at Maywood, I danced, did a flip off the high dive and acted like a kid until the sun came up. It felt good to be a man.
Manhood is a confusing thing. What man, regardless of age, doesn’t want to climb that cliff, jump into cold, unknown waters, just because it’s there? What man, regardless of age, doesn’t get a little excited at the sight of paintball gun and the thought of bringing pain to his closest friends? What man doesn’t care if he looks silly, or how much pain will ensue the next day; if it means getting to bounce around a moon bounce or clumsily slip and slide down a kid’s Slip n Slide? Yet, there’s a need to make sure the bills are paid, protect his family, provide extras for those he loves and be the best employee possible, completing all assignments in a competent and timely manner, all while setting a Godly example of character and servitude. But at 18 some of those things seem far away in the distance of time. (Well, the cliff, the paintball guns, moon bounce and slip n slide are fun and possible at all ages; it’s the other stuff I’m talking about.)
My oldest son has the uncanny ability to drive me to the brink of insanity with his characteristically teenage antics, while bringing me to the point of irrepressible pride during moments of undeniable manhood. That odd time of life when we’re still kids, yet adults, is a complex and confusing period. It would be challenging to encounter many at this age who have it figured out completely. There is that desire to prove your manhood, demonstrate responsibility and gain the respect of others; while part of you just wants to play music & video games and be goofy with friends. Those things can, and do, coexist at times. The line is less than thin when trying to be both a man and a boy. People tend to see one or the other, yet the heart of the man-child craves both respect and youthful freedom.
Last night, my son called his mom and me into the bedroom, to "talk about something.” This is a nervous moment for parents as a million scenarios race through our heads of what could be wrong. What has he done? What phone call should we be expecting? For how long will he have to be grounded this time?
The first question from Mom: “OK, is this bad?”
The first question from Mom: “OK, is this bad?”
The answer: “No.” Sense of relief as tension fades.
“Well, y’all might think so, but I don’t.” A little fear creeps back in and chest starts to tighten. After all, there are many things that people try to make positive when they are negative, at least at first.
As we watch our first born begin to nervously play with a pillow and explain what he’s been thinking and praying about, calmness eases its way into the room and I lie on the bed in silence, listening to his explanation and reasoning for a decision he is contemplating. My little boy, excuse me, 18 year-old man-child, shared his conflict and his desire to seek God's will in a very special area of his life. He explained the wrestling match he's had between his heart and his head for a few months. As he finished, I see in his eyes a desire for approval so we discuss, for some time, the ramifications of such a decision and different possibilities that should be considered prior to finalizing such a decision. I don’t see the need to disclose the issue because he is still praying about it and it's something personal between God and Noah, but this was one of those moments that will stay with me for the rest of my life. One of the rare times when I feel like I have done something right as a father. Although nervous to talk about this issue with us, for fear that we wouldn’t approve, he was man enough to talk to us, showed us respect by seeking our advice and sharing his view, and let us know that this is a decision that he has to make for himself, as a man. You have to respect that!!
As his Dad and protector, I honestly could not blame him for his struggle, nor could I confidently advise him as to which avenue is best at this time. This really is one of those personal decisions. It’s a God thing and he simply needs to do what God leads him to do. Whatever happens, I will support him and respect him for how he has handled this decision. I’m still here to help guide and protect. I’ll still set rules and guidelines for his senior year to guarantee success in school and future endeavors, I’ll still step in when I see him not acting as a man should, but I can’t deny that he is gaining my respect as a man. When I look at this 18 year old I see the little boy who used to jump off of ladders into my arms, and as much as I want him to stay my little boy, I know he is becoming a man very quickly; a man that I am so proud of. I praise God that I have been allowed to be a part of his journey into manhood and can’t wait to see what God will do in and through this young man.
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