Pursuing Perpetual Peace

It's been a while since I've written anything for my blog. I would promise to write more but I don't want to lie and I am not sure when the mood will hit me. I'm not a disciplined writer as are some of my friends, whom I admire, but I do love to write when inspiration comes. I've missed a few opportunities over the past couple of months but held off because of personal battles within myself. But the past couple of days have been filled with moments of God clearly trying to gain my attention and teach me valuable lessons.

I don't know about you or how you think or what struggles you face. Maybe I'm the only one who fights a daily battle within myself between who I want to be and who I was created to be. Yesterday I had the privilege of spending some time alone with The One True God and really diving into His Word and took time to actually Listen for His voice. I'll admit, with much embarrassment, that often I read His Word and listen to MY thoughts and desires instead of what HE is trying to say. We can sometimes take Scripture and intentionally find what will make us feel better about who we are instead of seeing how God wants to make us better. Let's face it, if we can never see and confess sin in our lives then we cannot receive the forgiveness needed for that sin. I love that God loves me and sees me as valuable but I also love that He points out what is wrong, convicts me and helps me to become better.

For a while now I have not had peace in my life. I keep praying and serving and trying to do the right thing, yet peace seems to elude me. I know very well that this should Not be so. Peace is one of the Fruits of the Spirit that we, those whom the Holy Spirit indwells, should produce. (Gal. 5:22) All 9 of the Fruits of the Spirit are in direct contrast with the works of the flesh talked about verses 19-21 of Galatians 5. But for now I am focusing on one piece of fruit which I need in my life; Peace. Jesus speaking to his disciples said in John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." HIS Peace, that's what I'm seeking. That's what I need.

Here's what I've been learning, again. When I am focused on Me and My Selfish Desires, I don't have real peace in my life. When I am focused on Christ and His Desires for My Life, Peace is abundant in my life. I'm guilty of trying to have my cake and eat it too. (I've never understood that statement because if it's my cake why shouldn't I eat it, but you all understand the intent.) I've been trying to walk with God while still chasing after things that I thought were Good instead of following after the things that are Best. Often I find myself worrying about things instead of Trusting God and that does not lead to peace; it leads to frustration. Jesus said in Matthew 6:32-33, "For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." We are told in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." People love to quote this verse to say they can have whatever they want, but both of these passages teach us that our needs and desires are met when we are focused on our relationship with God. When we delight in Him our desires change to meet His desires because He desires what is best for us. When we seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, he gives us our needs, which leads to peace and satisfaction.

I think it can all be summed up by Philippians 4:6-8, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."

Instead of Worry, Pray and always focus on what is true, noble, just, pure and lovely. Often we focus on the things that sparkle and catch our eye instead of on what God is trying to use to make us better and to bring us peace. I've come to realize, over the past couple of days, that I've been focused on seeking the shinny diamond that will bring temporary and instant happiness instead of the nuggets of Gold that will lead to lasting satisfaction. You know, the greener grass syndrome that makes us believe what we have is not good enough. I am now on a new quest; a quest for peace, a quest for God's Best in my life instead of what my feeble mind thinks is good. He's done a lot in my life to always draw me to Himself and I somehow seem to find a way to mess it up, and every single time I mess up it's because I was focused on My Selfish Desires instead of His Perfect Plan. True peace only comes from a close, intimate, continuous relationship with the One True God and His Son, and I am now Pursuing Perpetual Peace.

My Translator

The first time I ever preached with a translator was in Brazil. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. There is a difference when your words are being translated into a different language and a different culture. I had questions about my message; Would the illustrations cross over to this culture? Would the subject matter be of interest or useful to the people of Corumba, Brazil? I was the one on our team with the least amount of overseas experience (none) and yet I was chosen to preach the very first sermon, on a Sunday Morning to a local church. I was honored but so nervous. I still remember after the service one of the men who spoke both English and Portuguese said to me, "Dwyndl, you preached a really good sermon, but your translator preached an outstanding sermon." I didn't fully appreciate that statement until I became a Missonary and learned to speak Spanish.

During my time in Nicaragua I would often use translators. I learned that there is a difference in Translating and Interpreting what is said. One will say almost word for word what is said, while the other will take the idea and communicate it in such a way that the other person, in a different culture, with a different mindset and view of life, can understand it best.

Lately I've been going through some struggles. Those who read my posts on Facebook seem to have noticed because I've received several comments and notes of encouragment and prayer, which I greatly appreciate. However, I've found myself in a strange situation; I have several times attmepted to pray but can't get any words out. That's not a normal thing for me. Coming up with words is not a problem that I face on a regular basis.  The wrong words may come out of my mouth before I think it through and often times way too many words are in my mouth, but I always have something to say, even when I'm being quiet. But lately, I have experienced many prayer times where I simply sit crying and telling God that I don't know what to say.

Romans 8:26-28 says, "²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. ²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

We love to quote verse 28 because we want all things to work out, but when we read the 2 verses prior that promise we see HOW things are working out for our good. It's not because our prayers are so awesome, it's because the Power of Holy Spirit of God is so awesome. It's because HE is asking what we would be asking if we had the full knowledge of an almighty and all-loving God. Sometimes we only THINK we know what we want and/or what we are praying for. We pray specifically and expect God to answer in accordance with what WE are thinking, but the Holy Spirit knows better than we know what we really need or even want.

The Holy Spirit takes our groans and confusion and our misunderstandings of what We think is best and, like an Interpreter who translates for someone else to understand, HE Interprets and intercedes for us to the Father. This is so incredibly awesome because in the end we end up with something so much better than what we had intended. Just like my sermon can be made better by a man who is able to interpret my words into a language and culture that I don't fully understand, my prayers can be interpreted by the Holy Spirit to a Holy God who will take those prayers and answer according to what is best for me.

I still don't have clear answers as to what God is about to do in my life or the life of my family, but I have found peace in knowing that God knows. Although I don't have sufficient words to explain my thoughts, fears or desires, God knows what I desire, He knows what I need and He knows the plans He has for me. I am so grateful to have such an amazing translator speaking to God when I simply don't have a clue what to say. What an honor that He would love me that much!

Vomit to Victory

He ran away. Like a child who's not getting his way he took off. He didn't try to justify it or sugar coat it, he simply set out in the opposite direction of his assignment. Determined to do what he wanted to do and not what he was being told to do. He hitched a ride with some strangers and simply ran away. He had no idea what was about to happen or how impactful his story would become. 

Flash forward to a time of brokenness and despair. Giving up and giving in, he agrees to do as he had been asked. Now alone, smelly and much farther away than he had been, he begins a journey to complete the task that he had been ordained to complete. With expectations of failure he would soon find success greater than he could fathom that would touch the world for all of eternity as he accomplished a God-given task that he desperately did not want to see through.

Have you ever had someone vomit on you? Or even been near the vomit of another person or animal? It’s not exactly a pleasant odor or view. I could share stories here but instead I’ll simply state that it’s quite gross and takes away ones desire to continue on with whatever task might have been in process prior to the vile act.

Jonah had just made a deathbed confession to God. He was afraid for his life and He promised God that he would do whatever God asked him to do. We’ve all made those promises to God during difficult or scary times, but how often do we carry them out? How easily do we find excuses, after those promises, to do something different? But here he is lying on a beach, covered in whale vomit and what does he do? He travels to Nineveh and preaches the message that God tells him to preach. Is he happy about it? No way! But he does it.

He hoped that the message of doom would bring an end to his enemies but instead the people of Nineveh repented and God spared them. Now here we are many centuries later still talking about a man named Jonah and a city named Nineveh. Why? Because Jonah was obedient to what God asked.

Samuel told Saul in 1 Samuel 15:22. “To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams." Jesus said, "If you love me, keep my commands.” (John 14:15) It seems that this obedience thing is pretty important to God. All of us have disobeyed at some point. All of us have run from what we knew to be God’s direction. Like Jonah, we are often given a second chance. The question is, will it take vomit to bring victory or will we listen to the still small voice that is speaking to guide us to what is best? Let’s not wait for the vomit, let’s race to the victory through the power of God as He guides and equips us. With Obedience to God comes the Blessings of God!

Jonah 2:7-10

⁷ “When my life was ebbing away,
    I remembered you, Lord,
and my prayer rose to you,
    to your holy temple.

⁸ “Those who cling to worthless idols
    turn away from God’s love for them.
⁹ But I, with shouts of grateful praise,
    will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
    I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’”

¹⁰ And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

Ant Hills & God

When someone kicks over an ant hill you see thousands and thousands of ants; and what are they actually doing? They are immediately rebuilding they're home and the place they truly belong. They work together to repair the damage to their home, to their lives. 

As Christians we all go down sometimes, we are all knocked over and we are all scattered, but what many don't realize is that we are not like the ants. God thinks we should act like ants and He wants us to start rebuilding our faith immediately, He wants us to turn back to him.

..........................

This was written by my son, Noah Nelms. I was tempted to add to it but I didn't because he said what needed to be said very well. He came to me last night with this idea that had hit him and I asked him to email it to me so I could post it on my Blog. I am so proud of the Godly young man he is becoming. Plus he makes me laugh like no one else. :)  
Leave some comments!!! 

Travel Like Tarzan

When I was a boy I loved watching Tarzan movies. There has never been a Tarzan to measure up to Johnny Weissmuller, who was the original and also a 5-time Olympic gold-medalist swimmer. I used to love to watch him call the animals, swim across the river in fast speed, and fly through the jungle as he swung from vine to vine. No one could get through the jungle faster than Tarzan. 

Back in the day, way before they built the new high school in Olive Branch, there used to be some vines around a creek on that land. We would go over there as kids and swing from one side of the creek to the other. Of course I would yell the Tarzan yell until my sister would threaten to beat me up if I didn't shut up. It was so much fun for us and we even got our Mom to swing across once, talk about funny. I loved swinging on those vines and it didn't matter that we didn't really go very far, it felt like I was flying.

The difference was that I would always swing across the creek and land on the ground. I never was able to swing from one vine to the next and keep going. Tarzan... Now Tarzan was the man! He would grab a vine from high up in the tree and swing to the next and to the next and so on until he landed where he needed to be. Maybe Johnny, in the '30s and '40s couldn't do flips like the cartoon Tarzan, but he was really impressive  in his travels through the jungle. Always arriving just in time, at just the right place, to save the day. 

In Philippians 3:13-14, Paul says, "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I was reminded last night that in order to move forward to where you want and need to be, you have to let go of the past. Had Tarzan not let go of one vine as he grabbed the next he would have come to a sudden, and probably painful, stop. If he had held on to the first vine without reaching out to the next, he would have simply returned to a place behind him and eventually stopped in mid-air with no where to go and no way to get moving again other than falling to the ground. It was very important that he grab the next vine as well as let go of the vine that had so faithfully gotten him this far. Any other act would end in disappointment or even catastrophe. 

Trying new things is not a problem for me. Starting a new adventure is fun and exciting. The only thing that holds me back from moving on from one adventure to the next is simply funding and the love I have for my family that requires me to actually make an income and provide food and other needs. I love traveling. I love experiencing new locations, peoples, foods and cultures. I love taking on new tasks that seem difficult. The excitement of the new is motivating and exhilarating to me. But I have realized that as much as I love going into something new, I have problems letting go of certain things in the past. I don't have it all figured out yet, but I am learning that some things that we want to hold on to are really holding us back, keeping us from becoming what we should be or from going where we need to go. 

This morning Beth Moore tweeted, "If God has pulled us from something recently - something we wanted & thought was good - He may have plucked us from a net. Trust & thank Him" That spoke to me in a big way. Sometimes even the good things of the past can hold us back. Sometimes what we view as good is actually a hindrance to what is best. I know for me, I must to let go of the vine that brought me here, regardless of how comfortable it is or how much I want to hold on to it, and grab hold of the vine that is before me that will take me to the destination where I am most needed; the place I need most. Reaching out to the next vine is scary, but once the journey is complete, it will have been worth it all. It's time to Travel like Tarzan!!

The Past, The Present and The Promise

This morning on Facebook, I saw this quote from Dave Ramsey on the wall of a friend. It has been occupying my thoughts ever sense. I keep going back to read it and thinking about where I am in life, where I've been and where I'm headed. 

"Be Proud of what you do, if you aren't, then change something!" Sounds simple enough doesn't it? 

A few months ago a teenage girl asked me what my job was. I told her that I'm a Quality Manager. She asked if I sit at a desk a lot to which I replied, "Not all of the time but yes, much of the time." I was then challenged on why I work this job. Why don't I do something outside or something that would help people or make life more enjoyable? My immediate thought was, "One day you'll understand when you have to pay the bills." But I tried to justify and explain why I do what I do as an occupation. However, it was difficult because I knew my job was nothing more than a job for me. Her questions have haunted me ever since. I have not been happy with or proud of what I do. Then today I read this quote which brought it all back.

We tell our children that they can achieve anything. They can be anything they set their minds to be. Then we often squash their dreams by telling them how difficult it will be should they choose certain paths. We tell them to "Think Hard" and to choose a career that will provide for their future families and one that can be mapped out with the proper college degree and post-graduate degree, etc. How often do we tell them to choose a career path that will make them happy? One that will bring them satisfaction and pride? Believe me I understand the need for money, but I've also learned the hard way that the amount of money you earn has nothing to do with happiness because you can use it wisely and be content or use it foolishly and be miserable regardless of the amount.  

I had the great privilege of being a Pastor to local churches for 10 years. As a young man, when I told my Pastor that I felt God was calling me into the Ministry he warned me that it would be difficult and he let me know that if a person can be content and happy doing anything other than Ministry as a profession, he should do it. I felt that I had no choice but to become a Pastor. It was my calling, my desire, my passion. Sure it was hard at times, but it ended up that the ministry was not what knocked me down it was my own weakness and taking my eyes off of the goal and off of Christ. 

After resigning as Pastor I went from job to job trying to find something that I could do well and that would bring contentment to me. I assumed God was through with me as far as full-time service but I still served in the local church, taught Sunday School and helped in other ministries. If I were not going to provide for my family through ministry I was at least going to be faithful to serve as a volunteer in any way God would allow. The occupation where I found the most success was as a Quality Manager in the Medical Device Industry. I never felt it was my calling, but I learned it quickly and was rising up somewhat in the industry and  had given in to the idea that this was my lot in life. Then something amazing and totally unexpected happened. My wife and I went on a one week mission trip to Nicaragua. 

We couldn't afford this trip but felt led to go and true to His Word, God provided what we needed. That one week changed my life. I had not planned to tell my life's story here so I'll shorten it by saying within less than a year my wife and I had been approved to become missionaries to Nicaragua. What an amazing God we serve! I had given up all hope of ever being a missionary long before this time. When I least expected it, God showed up, gave me some awesome opportunities and before you know it, we're in Costa Rica learning Spanish and then in Nicaragua doing what I believe to be the greatest job on earth. I, Dwyndl Nelms, was an actual , full-time, living in a different country, speaking a different language, spending time helping people, working long hours and loving every minute of it, International Missionary!!! It was almost too good to be true.

Once again, after some time, I took my eye off of the goal, off of my Lord and I found myself going through the darkest, saddest, most depressing time of my life. I left Nicaragua with my head hung low and less than a year later I was divorced from my wife and I was running from God faster and more fierce than I had ever run away in my life. I still tried to hang on to a certain appearance for the sake of family and friends who once believed in me, but I had given up on myself. I felt un-useable, unforgivable and unlovable. I had taught many people through the years that God's love never fails and He is always ready to forgive and restore, but in my mind that was not true for me. I knew my heart. I knew my failures. I knew I didn't deserve another chance. Not to mention I had Christian Leaders whom I trusted tell me that I was done. I had brought disgrace to my family, my church, my mission board, my Christian Family and worse of all, to my God who had loved me, redeemed me, gave His Son for me and had called me to serve Him. 

A little over a year ago, my son talked me into attending a worship service at a local church he had been attending on Wednesday nights. I wasn't impressed at first, other than the friendliness of several of the members, but I had no desire to be in church and felt very uncomfortable sitting through a worship service. I went for my kids and I am so glad I did. In a short amount of time the Youth Pastor became the Lead Pastor and God used him to speak to me in a very clear and powerful way. I finally repented, made a new commitment to Christ and began to grow again in my relationship with Him. I can't say I've been perfect, but what a difference a year makes. I'm married again to the same wife I had divorced. My whole family is active and serving in the church and God is steadily teaching me new things as He challenges me with new circumstances and people in my life. 

Well, I've talked about my past and some of the present but let me touch on my present job and where I'm headed in the future. I once was a visionary. I looked ahead at where I wanted to be and had big dreams, now I just live day to day and try to survive in the state where I have felt stuck. My job is OK, but it's just a job. How can it begin to compare to the incredible satisfaction and joy of serving God and people as a Missionary? My volunteer service at church is very rewarding and I look forward to where our church is headed. Some areas of my life are good, others are in total disarray and I have no clue what will happen in the coming weeks or months. But I am finding contentment in the fact that God is charge and I am not. When I went to Nicaragua for the first time I would have never guessed that God would give me the great honor of living in, and loving the people of, that wonderful place. I had no idea what He was up to nor do I know now exactly what He has planned now. He told Abram to "Go... to the land that I will show you." (Gen. 12:1) No explanation, no map, just "Go." I am finally, yet slowly, learning what Paul tried to teach the church in Philippi when he said, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation," (4:13).

What about the quote? "Be proud of what you do. If you aren't, then change something!" Well, I think it's time to make some changes. I don't have all of the answers yet, but I know what it's like to live my dream and I know what it's like to simply endure. I've let my past failures and the fear of what others might say keep me from chasing dreams and I don't want my sons learning from me that you shouldn't go after your dreams. There are many stories of people who found success late in life; I'm in my 40's starting over. I am persuaded that it's not too late and God still has a purpose for me. I am declaring Jeremiah 29:11 as a verse for my life, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And for those who believe that God can forgive, restore and still change lives; I'm asking you to pray with me and for me that He will give me wisdom, guidance and courage to simply follow His plan and stop trusting in my own. I don't know how long it will take, where this journey will lead or what this purpose will look like, but I'm going to the land that He will show me. The Past won't stop me, the Present will prepare me and His Promise will guarantee that the future will be something I, and He, can be proud of. 



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“Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don’t Take It Away!

Reaching out to take a chance when fear has gripped your soul
You overcome and fill with pride as you've change to become bold
Never have you been so brave, no one thought you would step out
The world you’re showing what’s inside while most will watch with doubt
To fulfill your dream, the time has come, nothing can deter
With confidence take the final step, then deafening silence heard
Swiftly and brutal confidence flees as fear his muscles flex
Hope lies bleeding, faith now fleeting, worry speaks, “What’s next?”
So long it took to build the strength to act upon your dreams
When one you trust takes hope away, it’s gone in just a blink.

The Past

What I'm writing about today is not new. Many quotes, sermons, motivational talks and books have been written about this subject and I realize that I "Should" have this down by now. Heck, I've even preached some pretty good sermons on this subject and had people tell me how much it helped them, yet I'm striving to learn and apply this again, today; Dealing with the Past.

I wrote a poem years ago after going through a difficult time and I still bring it up every once in a while but I'm not sure it conveys what I think it should. It is dark and depressing instead of bright and encouraging. But I'm still going to share it with you: :)

It comes and goes no warning to give

It will haunt you with the truth

It spins you around, turns you upside down

Leaves you begging for something new

When it's ended you think, it's gone

But only 'til remembrance comes

Will you be free from all who see

These things which you have done

If it's truly thrown into a bottomless pit

And becomes a forgotten task

How does it return, inside you burn

This thing we call our past.

The past can be harsh or it can be our greatest teacher. The difference comes from out attitude and outlook. The Apostle Paul said in his letter to the Philippians "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:13-14) I don't know about you, but for me the forgetting part is difficult at times. I think the idea is to keep moving forward regardless of past circumstances. Paul did some pretty bad stuff before meeting Christ and he went through some pretty scary stuff while following Christ, but he kept moving forward.

The Bible also tells us to remember the past. Speaking to the Church in Ephesus, Jesus said, "Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first." (Rev 2:5) One lesson here is to help us not to continue making the same mistakes. Remember how good it can be when you are walking with Christ. Remember the lessons learned and do the good things that make a difference. Memory can be a blessing or a curse depending on how you allow it to affect you.

Lately I've found myself dwelling in the past and what might have been. I can see many things from my past that should teach me and guide me to be better. There are also things in past that make me cringe with embarrassment. I have lost things that I would love to have back; people, opportunities, possessions, etc., but they are all in the past and I don't know if those things would help or hinder my success in the future.

Sometimes we lose what we value as important but regardless of how great it was, when it’s gone, it’s gone. We then have to decide if we will dwell on the loss of the past or make the best of what we have while striving for what awaits us. Maybe there’s something better than what we thought was the best, if we don't miss it while dreaming about what's lost. Maybe what we have is better than what we lost but we are too distracted to notice how great it is. Maybe what was lost was not a great as we remember it. Regardless, the past is the past, we should learn from the lessons of the past, forget the useless things of the past and head into the future with expectation and determination that the greatness, or defeats, of the past will not keep us from the greatness, and successes, of what is yet to come. 

Yesterday I spent the day reflecting on the past and perceptions of the negatives that raced through my mind. This morning I woke up with a new desire to grab the future and make it better than the past. What will your tomorrow be? Mine is filled with possibilities and promises of a faithful God. So is yours if you'll look. Let's take on the future, leaving the past in the past. I know it's an old saying but when the enemy tries to remind us of past failures, let's remind him of his future and remember that our future is bright and filled with Hope!

God Bless!

.

The Reunion

This is a short story I wrote in 1996 for an Advanced Creative Writing Class. I see some errors but I still like it. I hope you enjoy. Leave me a comment on here or Facebook and follow my blog.

The Reunion

by,

Dwyndl L. Nelms

The Arrival

The blast of the siren and the flashing blue lights in the rear view mirror jolted William from his day dream. A frantic reaction caused him to jerk the steering wheel to the right. He slammed the brake peddle to the floor and stopped just short of the ditch. Feeling every vein in his body throbbing with every heartbeat, he didn't understand what had happened. In his side mirror he saw a policeman walking toward the car with his hand on his gun.

"Sir, are you alright?," the policeman asked. "Sir...sir, are you OK?"

William sat there almost numb trying to think of an excuse to tell the officer. An excuse couldn't be found since William had no idea what he had done. Millions of thoughts rushing through his mind yet he couldn't remember what had just happened. Why was he being pulled over? The cruise control was set several miles back so he couldn't have been speeding. Thoughts continued to race around his mind as he heard the policeman speaking to him in a very firm voice, "Step out of the car very slowly, and keep your hands where I can see them."

Completely terrified William opened the car door and stepped out of the car. "What seems to be the problem officer?" William asked in a shaky voice.

"Please move to the back of the car and stand facing the trunk."

The bright light from the officer's flashlight almost blinded William. He held his hand in front of his eyes and squinted trying to get a glimpse of the policeman and what his partner was doing.

The second policeman began to search the car. He didn't find anything inside the car, so he took the keys and, moving William out of the way, opened the trunk.

"There's nothing there," said William. "What are you looking for?"

William took a half step toward the officer before the first one grabbed his arm.

"Sir, you were swerving all over the road and ran through a red light and two stop signs. Have you been drinking tonight?"

He tried to hold it back, but he couldn't. Laughter spewed from William's mouth. He could hardly believe the question. Anyone who knew William would have been laughing with him, he was very well known as a man who didn't drink. He was known as a man who never did anything that might be considered bad for you, immoral, or wrong. His laughter simply intensified the more that he thought of the question.

William had a very distinctive laugh. It was a mixture of snorts and whistles like no one else could even imitate. "I don't mean to laugh. . . officer. It's just. . . that. . . if you only knew." He could barely get the sentence out in between snorts.

"Billy?" the officer asked in a surprising voice. "Billy Patterson, is that you? Ain't nobody else could have that laugh, I can't believe it. Wait 'til the guys hear this. They'll n'er believe I pulled over ole Billy Patterson for 'spicion of drunk driving." As he thought about it he burst into uncontrollable laughter himself. "Hey Mark, you remember all those stories I told about that nerd in High School? This here's the man I was talking 'bout."

"Well, if what you say is true he can't be drunk. . . He must really be as ignorant as you said he was, driving like that."

William's laughter stopped, and a peculiar smirk took it's place while the laughter of the two policemen increased. He realized that the first officer was none other than his high school classmate Charlie Eastman.

"Charles. . . Charlie Eastman. It's been a long time. I've been looking forward to seeing you. I never would have guessed that you were a policeman. Although it does not surprise me that you are still living in Pleasant Valley," he said in a demeaning tone. "Even though you always swore that you would leave this town, I didn't expect much from you."

"Hey, what's that s'pose to mean?" he said in an angry voice, "You saying that yo'r better than me?"

"No, no Charles, I'm not saying that I'm better than you. After all, 'Pride cometh before the fall' and I've fallen too many times in life. I don't want that to happen again," William said with a self-righteous grin.

"Well that's good, cuz just 'cause I'm a cop don't mean I can't still stomp you in the ground. It'd be jus like ol' times, 'cept nobody'd be able to save yo' butt dis time."

"Now, now, now, we're all adults," said Mark. "Let's just forget about the past and go on with our lives. Come on Charlie, we got to go and check on Old Lady Morris. If we don't get there before 5 o'clock she'll be calling the Mayor."

"Alright Mark, we'll go." Charlie's angry frown turned into a smile. "Hey Billy, it's been good to see ya again. Look forward to talking with ya at the re-union. Don't be such a stranger, shoot, I bet it's been fifteen years or better since we seen each other. Oh Yea, pay attention to your driving. You need to be careful. You could've hurt someone."

As Mark and Charlie drove away William couldn't help but speak his thoughts out loud, "What an Imbecile. I can't believe that idiot is allowed to carry a gun. He hasn't grown up at all. He still get's mad at the drop of a hat and then ten minutes later acts as if nothing has happened. The moron doesn't even realize that a twenty year reunion means that we've been out of school for twenty years"

William hadn't seen any of his classmates since their graduation, twenty years ago. May 14, 1976, that's the day William gave his valedictory speech, accepted his diploma, hopped in his '72 V.W. Beetle and drove right past the graduation dance to the city limit sign. Once he reached the sign he stopped the car, walked over to the sign and swore not to return to Pleasant Valley until he was a success and could pay them back for what they had done, every one of them.

The Reason

                         "The Pleasant Valley Graduating Class of 1976 announces their
                            Twentieth Anniversary. Saturday, May 26, 1996, at 7:00 p.m. in
                            the High School Gym. The last chance to see the  old gym before it
                            is torn down and a new one is built. If you were in the Class of '76
                            please make plans to attend."

William read over the announcement again in his hotel room. This was the announcement that ran in the P.V. Press. He had been receiving the newspaper for the last six months anticipating and searching for the announcement. He knew that his big chance would be at the reunion. "They won't be laughing at Billy Patterson this time," he thought to himself. William couldn't wait for tomorrow night and he knew that his day had finally arrived.

He carefully folded the newspaper clipping and tucked it into his day-planner. Taking his high school annual from his brief case he began to glance through the pages. The first few pages were just pictures of people standing around or studying or acting silly. A few made him laugh; a few made him want to cry. Memories began to flood William's mind as he reached the senior section. Just as he was about to turn the page to the first page of senior photos he heard someone speaking to him.

"Billy Patterson, What are you doing here?" was said in a firm and angry voice. Billy sat on the bed stiff with fear. The voice continued, "I thought I told you that I didn't want to see you here ever again. You just ain't real smart for a smart boy are you? You need to stay in that science class and keep on getting better at being a nerd. I guess I'm gonna have to remind you of a few of the rules around here."

Billy opened his eyes, turned around and saw the meanest kid in class, Paul Adams. "I'm sorry Paul. . . it's just that. . . I really had to use the rest room." Billy said in a small, fragile voice. "Please let me go, I promise I won't mess up again."

Ring. . .Ring. . .William was startled by the sound of the telephone. "H-H-Hello."

"Hello, Mr. Patterson, this is the Hotel Manager. I want to apologize for your room. I had instructed the desk to save you a king, but they made a mistake. We are completely booked up this weekend, due to the reunion. We will give you a discount to make up for the problem and if you need anything at all please don't hesitate to let us know."

"Everything is fine," William said. "The room is just fine."

"Thank you, Mr. Patterson, and once again, I'm sorry for the mistake. Have a good night's sleep."

William hung up the phone and his heart began to slow down. He took a deep breath and finally looked at page 14 in his annual. The very first picture was Paul Adams. Fear began to disappear as William began to speak, "Don't worry Paul, you'll get yours. You all will."

William continued to flip through the pages of the annual. They were all there. Charlie, Larry, John, Andrew, all of them in the same spot they had been every time he had looked in this book of memories.

William finally turned to the page with his picture, He probably wouldn't have wanted to look at this page except for one picture. Right next to William was Brad Parker, the only guy in school who treated William as a friend. Brad never called William a nerd, knocked his books out of his hand or even pulled his shorts down in gym as the cheerleaders came through. Maybe that was because Brad was considered a nerd also. But that didn't matter. Brad was a big guy. He was not the smartest kid in class, but was sure the strongest and toughest. No one, not even Paul Adams, or Bubba Wilson would mess with Brad. He showed up just in time many days to keep Billy from being beat up. If it were not for Brad, William might not have made it.

Looking at the picture of Brad made William proud to have such a friend, but it also made him very sad. Brad was killed in a farming accident about two years back. They had written each other up until then. William didn't find out about the accident until the funeral was over. He never got to say goodbye. He had plans to stop by the cemetery tomorrow. "I sure do miss you Brad. Tomorrow night is for both of us."

William continued to look through the annual and remembered lots of kids and the mean things they had said or done. He finally came to the last page of the seniors. There they were. "It should be a sin for Leslie Wilson to be on the same page as Mary Lou Anderson," William declared. Leslie was better known as Bubba, and was nothing more than a bully in William's eyes. He was voted most popular, most handsome, most likely to succeed, and was even Senior Class President, and of course Captain of the football team. However, to William he was scum. He was the leader of all the ones who had made high school life for Billy Patterson a living nightmare. In William's eyes he deserved what was coming more than anyone.

Rage was taking over William's mind as he looked down at Mary Lou Anderson. The most beautiful girl in school. William instantly turned to mush just looking at or thinking about her. In William's mind she was perfect. Never had God made a more glorious creature. As his mind raced, thinking of every kind word she had ever said to him, he began to fantasize of what might have been if he'd only had the courage to ask her out. Instead, she ended up with Bubba Wilson. This made William angry again. "Life just isn't fair," screamed William as he slammed the book closed.

The room began to appear smaller and as if it were moving as William paced around the room in anger so he took a drink of water to calm down and re-opened the book. Turning to the teacher's section. There he was, Dr. Blakeburn. Everyone just called him "Doc." He was the science teacher and most kids liked him, but hated his class. William was different, He loved both the teacher and the class. Science class was the one place were Billy Patterson could be on top. He always had the highest average and caught on to everything faster than most of the others. Doc was the one who showed Billy how exciting science could be. He also pointed out the money that could be made if the right field was chosen. Doc always encouraged Billy to do his absolute best and become something great. Even in the back of the annual, where most kids had lots of signatures, Billy had just one, it was from Doc. "Billy, never give up on what you believe. You have the ability to be great. Don't let the crowd get you down. If they control you, they win. With lots of admiration, Doc." These words always stuck with William. He would never forget Doc.

The Prepartaion

The next morning William woke up early with excitement about all he had to do today. The cemetery would be the first stop in order to see Brad's grave site. He noticed the headstone right away placed on the very edge of the cemetery just a few feet from the road. As William sat and talked to his old friend he looked and saw a beautiful white kitten crossing the road from the woods on the other side. He then noticed a car speeding down the curvy road and yelled for it to stop. It didn't even attempt to stop, but the cat scurried along and somehow made it across the road. William must have closed his eyes, because he was certain that the cat had been hit.

He ran and lifted the kitten into his arms and stroked it as he asked if it were alright. "Don't worry little kitty, I'll take care of you," William said in a sympathetic voice. "You won't have to be afraid anymore, I'll take you home with me. I couldn't bear the thought of you getting hurt." William said his good-byes to Brad and stroked the back of the kitten as he carried her to the car.

His next stop was "Herrington's Men's Store." He was determined to look good for the party tonight. He bought all new clothes, a new suit, shirt, shoes, socks, tie, and even a matching handkerchief. He was going all out for tonight. The money was not an issue for William anymore and he was not going to be a tightwad tonight. Those days were over.

He stopped by Ray's Barber Shop for a new hair style, one that didn't look nerdy. Next he was off to Dr. Malone's for a new pair of contacts. He had gotten a pair several months ago, but had accidentally torn one of them and lost the other just recently. He was not taking a chance on being called four eyes tonight. His final stop would be the post office to retrieve a package awaiting him to pick up. He was praying all the way there that it had arrived. If it were late it would ruin his whole plan. He was excited to see that the package was there and everything going perfectly. It began to sink in that in a mere three hours his big plans would come to fruition. It seemed he'd been waiting forever, but 20 years is a long time to plan and wait.

The Decision

William walked into the high school gym looking the best he had ever looked. Nothing could compare to the feeling of tonight, not the numerous awards he had received for his contributions to science, not his new promotion to the head of the science department of Adriel Industries, not even the half of a million dollar bonus he had received for his latest invention. This was the night he had been waiting for for twenty years. Nervous butterflies could be felt be he was certain they would disappear as soon as he saw everyone again.

"Sir, have you signed in yet? I guess not, we have a name tag for you so that everyone will be able to recognize you. You know how everyone has changed. It's so hard to tell who is who. Just come with me and we'll get you all fixed up. So, what is your name anyway?" Asked a very beautiful blonde woman who talked exceedingly fast.

William had no doubt who this gorgeous lady was when he heard her talk. No one else in class ever talked that fast, but Lisa never looked that good. "Lisa Taylor, you're looking great. You probably don't remember me, but I'm William, well, Billy Patterson."

"Billy Patterson?" she said in a surprised and screeching voice. "I never would have recognized you. Of course I remember you, but it's not Lisa Taylor anymore, it's Lisa Bolton. Yes, you guessed it, I'm Married to Larry Bolton. Isn't it great. Boy you look absolutely wonderful. I can't believe it. How in the world have you been? What kind of work are doing now anyway? No one has heard from you in so long. I just bet you're doing something incredible aren't you? You were always so smart."

"I've been fine. Things are going rather well for me actually. I've just been promoted to the head of the science department in the company I work for, and I'm receiving an award for a new invention of mine. But everyone will know about that in just a little while. . .Well, like I said, you look great, Lisa, I'll talk to you a little later. I want to get around and see a few more people."

William looked around the room and saw each person whom he felt had it coming. "There they stand, each one of them looking happy and carefree, just like in high school. They have no idea what's about to happen. Bubba, Charlie, Larry, Paul, John and Andrew, they all deserve what they're about get. I bet they're all just like they were in high school. They probably haven''t grown up at all." William thought to himself.

William went into the rest room to prepare for what was to come. He entered a stall and locked the door. Taking two separate bags from his jacket pockets he began to go to work. He had just finished a new invention a year ago that would revolutionize the weight loss industry. It would be released in less than a year from now. Just adding this one chemical to any food, in the right amount, would allow the fat in the food to be broken down to one eighth the amount of fat normally in that food. To make things even better, it had no distinct taste or smell, the food keeps it's flavor.

What William's employers did not know was that by adding a second chemical, that only he knew how to create, this miraculous new invention would cause intense pain and uncontrollable nervous reactions at random time intervals. Anyone taking the two chemicals together, even in the smallest amounts, would be in agony for several years. William was very confident that it would not cause death, but whoever tried it would wish it did.

"This will teach you to pull down the shorts of a nerd," said William as he slowly mixed the two bags together. "You think I was embarrassed, just wait until you begin to have fits wherever you go. You won't know when it' coming; just when you think you're OK, it'll hit again. Vengeance is mine." There was a smirk on his face showing pride of his accomplishment and at the opportunity for payback.

William walked back into the gym knowing that all he had to do was slip just a little of his magic mixture onto the food or into the drinks of these jerks and he would have his revenge. He looked to the far side of the room and saw all of them standing in a circle talking about old times. "This is perfect," he thought to himself.

"Hi guys," said William as he walked up to the gang. "How are you fellows doing tonight?"

"We're doing great Billy boy. How 'bout yourself?" asked Bubba.

"Actually," said Larry, "We hear that you're doing pretty good for yourself. Lisa was telling us that you had a good job and was even getting some award. That's really great Billy."

"Yes, well, things are going good for me. It seems to be getting better all the time," responded William while wondering why everyone seemed to be so nice toward him.

"I ain't doing bad myself," said Bubba. I had one of the best years ever down at the farm. I shore do miss that there Brad though. He was the best worker we had before the accident. Dang shame for that to happen."

"Brad worked for you, Bubba?," William inquired. "He never mentioned that in his letters. He just always said that his boss was a big farmer who treated him well. I never knew you were his boss."

"Yep, I took over daddy's farm when he died. Brad was a pretty good feller. I shore do miss him."

Charlie nervously spoke up after a short pause, "Hey William, I'm not good at this but I want to say that I'm real sorry 'bout givin' ya a hard time and gettin' mad at ya last night when me and Mark pulled ya over. I jus' let my temper get away sometimes. Hope there ain't no bad feelin's, man."

"No, everything is fine. I didn't think anything about it," William said while feeling somewhat perplexed.

Paul Adams, the bully himself, walked up to William and put his hand on his shoulder. He stood gazing into William's eyes and had a strange look on his face. William wasn't sure what to expect, was Paul mad, worried, confused, what was he about to do. His eyes widened and he swallowed deeply as memories of High School brought fright to William. Then suddenly Paul took a deep breath, swung his arms around and gave William a great big hug. "Hey man, I'm sorry about all the stupid stuff we did when we were kids. I wish I could go back in time and change it all. Lots of things have changed in my life and I'm not the same stupid kid I was. I hope that you haven't let all that stuff keep you back in life. You're a smart dude and I really respect you. I wish I could have been more like you in high school and not waited so long to grow up."

"Hey. . . It's OK don't worry about it. I turned out alright and it looks like you did also. We all have done stupid things in our lives." William stood there not really sure what was going on. This was not what he expected when he came to this reunion. Finally, he spoke up again, "I'm going to go and get us all some drinks. Let's have a toast to old times."

All the guys thought that was a great idea. William made his way to the drinks while stopping and talking to a few people along the way. Everyone seemed to be so nice and happy to see him. He was more popular tonight than he had ever been. He didn't know what to do. As he stood at the table all alone he remembered all the mean and nasty things that had happened in high school. He then remembered all the nice things that had just been said to him. "What should I do?," He thought to himself. "I've been planning this a long time. Do they deserve to get off just because they apologized after twenty years? . . .They still made my life a living hell in high school. They made me refuse to return to my home town because of shame and hatred. They tried to take away my dignity. . . But on the other hand they do seem to have changed. They appear sincerely sorry for what they had done. Paul even hugged me. I just don't know what to do."

As he finished gathering the drinks he looked across the room and saw Mary Lou Anderson. She was even more beautiful than in high school. William's knees began to shake. "I can't believe that I missed out on her and Bubba got her. That just isn't fair." Envy raged within as he watched her walk up to Bubba and give him a great big kiss. All the guys were smiling as they watched. William felt the bag in his jacket pocket just as he heard John yell for him to hurry up. Calmness began to set in but confusion remained. He watched the guys smiling and calling his name, then he looked at Mary Lou and she smiled and waved at him. Looking around the room once more he looked down at the drinks. He knew it was now or never and he had to make a decision.